Dear Firstborn

Dear Firstborn,

You are now OVER halfway to adulthood! You are 10 and that amazes and astounds me!

But I feel as though I’ve wasted the time. 

I remember all those co-sleeping nights where your only consolation was the safety of my arms. I remember your infant giggles that pierced my heart and brought me joy unlike anything before. I remember the pride of witnessing your first steps, first words, and first book read way earlier than expected. All are warm memories so special and pure.

You introduced me to motherhood. You taught me so much about myself and life in general. You softened me and the Spirit sanctified me through mothering you.

But oh, my darling boy, I have wasted so many moments. Moments of frustration when I wished away the minutes for you to be just a little older and more self-sufficient. Moments of selfishness where I stayed seated instead of engaging in play with you, because I weakly offered the excuse that “we just played that game yesterday!” Moments when your ever present curiosity was smothered because I felt as though ten answered questions was surely adequate for the day. So many wasted moments that can never be retrieved and are forever lost. It breaks my heart.

You’ve received some of the very best of me: the unrivaled love of a mother for her firstborn child, the eagerness and expectancy of journeying through each new stage with you, and the joy of all the firsts I experienced as a mother with you. But as the oldest, you also have received me as a “mom-in-training”: I didn’t know what I was doing (and most of the time I still don’t!), I made mistakes and missteps, and I learned just how little I know about children and development. Where I lack, you offer grace. Where I excel, you push me further. Where I need teaching, you provide opportunity. Where I am strong, you humble me.

So, dear oldest child, we have entered the second half of your life under our care. I promise to be more present, to be more patient, and to be less preoccupied. I promise that you will be one of my top priorities and that I will be purposeful in limiting distractions. I promise to be available and to be open to hearing from you, as you will be growing and learning and eager to share things with me (at least, I hope). I promise to guide, but not drive. To protect, but not enclose. To lead, but allow exploration. I promise to slow my pace so we can walk beside each other for awhile and then slow down slightly so you can begin to forge your own path.

I don’t want to waste any more time. Time is precious and your worth is great. I am so thankful for the young man you are becoming and I am so excited to see where you will go from here. I pray you will grow in confidence in the Lord and confidence in yourself. 

Love Always,

Mumma

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